I’ve been overcommitted as of late.

There are too many things in my life I want to prioritize, and there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Maybe it’s just what happens when you turn 40 and realize life is too short: you wake up, do the mental math, and decide that the only solution is to try to wedge every possible thing into whatever cracks remain in the schedule.

Maybe it’s the potent yet toxic combination of my desire to be helpful along with my ire for idle time.

Whatever the cause, I’m so driven to live up to every intrinsic and extrinsic expectation that I refuse to fail. And my brain is convinced that dropping anything, for any reason, is a kind of defeat.

So when there’s nothing you can give up, what falls away are the things that feel optional because they don’t demand effort: eating, sleeping, taking a walk, time with your partner.

I’m taking steps to clear the decks; to block and tackle; to [insert some other vaguely boat-related idiom here].

But all of that takes time, which I feel like I don’t have. In less than a week, I’m supposed to take a father/son vacation with my 12-year-old. And I want to set an intention of focusing all of my attention on him, on us.

I’ve been so busy that I haven’t been able to properly plan the trip, let alone look forward to it.

That’s why I’m here, why I’m taking the time to write:
To remind myself that I can create space when I want to.

So it’s time for a reality check: my son doesn’t care how planned it is, because the experience, by its nature, will be special. And if everything else in my life can’t survive 4 days of my absence, then I clearly haven’t done a very good job.

So even if I’m less than prepared, I will settle for being wholly present.
To bring into singular focus the one job in my life that matters most: being a dad.

And beyond that… maybe, with practice, I can learn to let things go without letting myself down.

current mood: burned out

current music: arcade fire – circle of trust