Over the past few months, I’ve been feeling deeply for the first time in a very long time.

I’ve certainly had an undercurrent of deep, positive feelings about my family for my entire adult life. But what I’ve been experiencing lately is intense and more visceral.

I spend most days pinballing between feeling heartbroken, furious, and numb.

Chasing each moment of joy with a shot of guilt.

And then strangely, when I lay my head to bed at night, I’m not filled with anxiety or fear or dread… instead I’m phrenetic. Filled with a nervous energy but lacking any outlet.

I don’t want to scroll, or watch, or read… I want to do. Everything and anything. Write a novel. Shop for groceries. Drive a hundred miles.

Be with others. Be with anyone.
In the silence, I am desperate to hear my own voice.

And then, suddenly, quiet. My mind is ready to move on. To sleep. To dream. To wake up repeatedly in the middle of the night.

To rise in the morning and do it all again.

current mood: uneasy

current music: glen hansard – short life