I started a post in December, reflecting on the year 2025. In many ways, it was a hallmark year for me.

While the world around me felt like it was crumbling, I had never felt more successful, more connected, more whole. And yet, that sense of personal stability came with guilt… should I be doing more, contributing more, trying harder to make the world a better place?

But my reflecting time was cut short by a death in the family near the end of the month.

I lost my aunt the day after Christmas. One day she was with us, donning her reindeer antlers; the next day, she was gone.

When I told a colleague about it, they asked, “Were you close?” My instinctive answer was “no”… except I had been spending every Saturday across the table from her for years. In fact, she was my godmother.

So “close” is a matter of perspective. Nearly my entire extended family lives within 15 minutes of one another, and yet I don’t know who in my family I’d say I’m “close” with. I care deeply about all of them, but sometimes I struggle with conversations, carrying a persistent sense of being the odd one out.

Anyway, for the past few weeks, I’ve been uncharacteristically down… pulled under by grief and further down by a hopelessness about the state of the country.

Sadness isn’t an emotion I feel often.
But when I do, it’s deep. I feel steeped in sorrow.

Then irrational thoughts creep in, like “What if I’m never able to find joy again?”

The thoughts are fleeting, and mostly I end up feeling silly for being so melodramatic.

The past couple of days, I’ve started to feel a spark again… maybe not of joy, but anger, fervor, a desire to act.

Here’s hoping 2026 ends better than it started.

current mood: blank

current music: brandi carlile – human