My oldest son officially becomes a teenager today.

While this milestone belongs to him (and we’ll celebrate it!), it also makes me think back to my own first steps into the teen years.

Ross at 13 was a very different person. The decade that followed was the most formative period in my life, where I discovered who I am… and who I’m not. Discoveries sparked by relationships that are now just grateful memories.

At 13, I was every cliche middle schooler you’d see in an ABC Family movie. I felt like I had to be the perfect child and student, and I desperately wanted to fit in. At home, I muted myself. At school, I cranked up the dial, trying to earn my place in the orbit of “the cool kids” (well, as cool as you could get at a small, private school).

It worked… for a while. I got the laughs and the attention. But in the process, I abandoned the friends who had accepted me without condition. And unlike the TV movie version, there was no big redemption arc, no apology scene that brought us back together.

My antics and attention-seeking caught up with me at an 8th grade graduation party, when a classmate pulled me aside and said plainly, “Ross, no one wants you here right now.”

Feeling gut-punched, I left the party and wandered around the neighborhood alone until I collapsed on a tree lawn, sobbing. (Young adulthood is nothing if not melodramatic.)

Fall of that year brought me to a much bigger school and a new start. I shrank. Turned down the dials. Focused on school work. Until someone whose approval I wasn’t seeking saw me for me… and coaxed me out of my shell.

This time, it wasn’t about performing. I learned (re-learned?) that there are people who will accept you (and like you!) as you are. But even more importantly, I learned that it starts with accepting yourself.

That single connection set off a domino effect of self-love and self-expression. It brought me friendships I’ll never forget, and years that still glow in memory.

I know my son isn’t me. His experience will be different from mine. I can only hope that he finds connections that help him discover (and love) who he is… even if those connections can’t last forever.

current mood: jazzed

current music: the revivalists – all my friends