When I discovered that old email account in January, something shifted.

It pulled me into a spiral of nostalgia—steeply at first, and then more gently.

And when I looked back, especially toward the period from 2003-2008, it felt like I had been in a dark room—not scared, not sad, not trying to escape—but I was feeling around the room trying to decipher where I was, what was in that room with me. A chair, a coffee table with a book on it, an ornate frame on the wall, etc.

And when I met my (now) wife, it’s like I found the light switch. But instead of looking back on the room, to see the color of the chair, to find out the title of the book, to discover the art in that frame… I saw the door.

So I opened it.

And that door brought me to a happy marriage, fatherhood, and career satisfaction. I completely forgot about that dark room I had been in.

After all these years, I suddenly found myself wondering… what was in that room? All those objects I felt and tried to identify by touch, what did I get right? What did I get wrong? What did I miss entirely?

So the past few months, I’ve been introspective around that topic. And it encouraged me to reconnect with the past, both figuratively and literally. I sifted through the static, revisited digital artifacts, and reached out to the people with whom I felt I never really had closure.

And I feel like I was able to finally see the room, and read the book on the coffee table, and admire the wallpaper.

It’s not a room I need to stay in, but it’s inspired me to pay more attention to the details of the other rooms I visit. Like hey, this one I’m sitting in right now has the same curtains.

current mood: satisfied

current music: the killers – in another life